So, since my last post I have had a lot of things happening in my life. Yeah in like three days a lot can change. This past Saturday night and all day Sunday I spent reflecting on my life, my relationships, and my relationship with my ABBA Father.
First, have you ever been completely broken in spirit and emotion. That's what happened to me. See last Monday night at Resonate (the local praise and worship service the AUM BCM holds) I was confronted with some ideas. The speaker quoted one of my favorite Christian authors, John Piper, he states, "God is not an ambulance drive, God is a surgeon." This concept is very true. God doesn't get there when life has left you broken and torn so he can fix the problem. God is the one who brakes you. He is the one that goes into your life and cuts out the bad and puts good in. So all week God began to do surgery on my life. By Saturday night He had gotten to the root of my problem. I am struggling with the problem of not loving myself at all. I had lost my first love with Christ and my second love of myself so that I can love others as I love myself. My life lately has become a treacherous storm that is seeming to hard to bare. Yet, I know that I have a father in Heaven that loves me anyway. I have friends that will stand by me through this storm no matter what the cost. I have a family that will be there to help me pick up the pieces after all of the damage is done.
In the past six to nine months I have changed the college I am attending. I have been in and out of a seemingly healthy relationship. I have kept the job I have for a year. I have learned that I don't love myself. I have learned that I can be loved even when I don't show it. I have realized that I have been wearing a mask so long that I don't know who the real me is and what is the mask anymore.
I have a friend that loves me no matter what I do to make her feel bad or complain about how big the storm is. When she simply tells me the age old saying, "Don't tell God how big the storm is. Tell the storm how big God is." She introduced me to the gratitude challenge. I believe that this will help me find myself and learn to love it. I am amazingly blessed I have been to stupid to see it though. So for the next Twenty or so days I hope to tell you at least one thing I am grateful for.
So today I am grateful for God, Yahweh, Abba, ex. Without Him I can do nothing. Without Him life would be a moot point. Without Him life wouldn't even exist. Without Him there would be nothing. Thank you God, Father, for sending your only Son to this wretched world to save it from total destruction.
That's all for today
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